3 Steps to get past the fear of not being enough

Fear is one of the biggest obstacles that get in the way of us reaching the goals we hope or would like to achieve in our life. However it is not fear that is bad, but what we fear and how we keep listening to the fear mongers in our head – or are they on our shoulder? – that hold us back from accomplishing goals in our life. However, even those voices in our head that we hear and dissuade us from taking action are not all bad. They started off as warning signals, as a way of keeping us safe, even helping us to survive.

After listening to these thoughts for long enough though, they become encoded in our brain so much that our thinking gets hijacked so that we stop thinking about whether they are true or not, we just feel, think and act on their messages. All of us have them – I think I may have a whole busload of them telling me that I am not enough in so many ways. Have you had that happen to you?

If we are going to live a fulfilled, balanced life we need to be able to stop the gremlins, fear mongering, saboteurs that are telling us that we are not good enough, smart enough, safe enough or a whole lot of other things that they like to use to hold us back from living a life full of enthusiasm, joy, and love – a life that we design for ourselves.

The way we do that is a three-step process:

Step One: Know it

What does your gremlin like to say? Do you have the Inner Critic, the you have to be perfect, the what if they don’t like me, the guilt tripper or the danger-danger! voice in your head, shoulder, behind you or wherever it is. When does it show up?

Step Two: Name it

What does it look like? What would you like to name it?  

Step Three: Own it

What gifts and challenges does “it” bring? What would you like to say to this gremlin and when will you say it? What are you willing to commit to that will help you to tame this monster?

If your goal is to live a fulfilled and balanced life, we no longer need these gremlins around, hijacking our dreams. You can do with them whatever you would like to do, befriend them or get rid of them.

Would you like the help of a coach? I can help you identify what is holding you back from living the full balanced life you want to live. While I have worked with parents and children for over 20 years I am now taking a course for accreditation with the International Coaches Federation (ICF) at Anne Arundel Community College and part of the process is to account for 100 hours of coaching, both paid and unpaid. I’m still on the unpaid part.

I would love to coach you. Learn more here.

Personal Conflict – Which Need Is Not Being Met?

iStock_000011809770Small-390x259In every personal conflict, with children or adults, it always comes down to at least one if not both of the parties  not getting one of their basic needs met.  If you are a parent you know that it is far more likely for a young child to be cranky and difficult if they are tired or hungry. In effect they are saying, “I need to sleep or eat now!”.  That really is not just a child thing either. My wife says to me, “are you getting hungry?”, when I start getting cranky. She sees it many times prior to me being aware of it happening.

However there are other needs that are not as simple to identify in times of conflict that may be triggering our angry behaviors. Every human has the need for certainty in their life. If we are unsure of what is happening or how things will turn out, for some this will trigger angry behavior. At the same time all of us have a need for uncertainty, meaning we need variety in our life. If we do not get that need met, we will feel bored and life will be monotonous. When some get bored they may get angry.

Another need that every human has is the need for love and connection. If we feel we are not being loved or our connections are not as strong as we desire, our behavior will reflect this need not being met. Everyone also has a need to feel significant and we will find a way to get this need met either in a healthy or unhealthy way. In fact all of these needs will be met either in a healthy or unhealthy way. When they are not being met – they can trigger in us anger, anxiety, depression and all other sorts of emotional reactions.

When we find ourselves in a conflict we will want to ask ourselves, what need do I have that is not being met? We also want to consider the other person too, what need do they have that is not being met? Each person is unique in their needs. One person may crave certainty more than uncertainty and it will show itself in them with more anxiety. There are two more needs that every human has and learning about all of them is key to managing our own emotional health.

At Balanced Life Skills we believe that working on our whole self is key to a balanced life, for ourselves and our children. We are prepared to help parents and children to find this peace in their life.