As I speak to children about different scenarios that they could see themselves in I continually hear the same one word answers, good, bad, mad.  These are the labels that many children know and understand.  So when asked about different situations they will use these as their answers many times.  Yet we know that anger does not exist in a vacuum.  There is always another emotion at work when there is an outburst.  We recognize that in ourselves too.

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We have all seen the child or the adult that sees others as the cause of their anger.  Someone, or something provokes them, and their anger is the "reasonable response", from their point of view.  Its not their fault if they loss their temper because...  This is a way of sidestepping the responsibility for their feelings and reactions and the damage that they may cause. 

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In our last post we talked about Stage one: The buildup.  Now on to Stage two: The spark

The spark is the 'thing' that sets off an angry outburst.  There are two varieties of sparks, one is external and one is internal.  Both are difficult to see coming and both are influenced by the buildup.

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When it comes to solving the situation that faces us, we know that using our words in effective ways is key to calming down any of our responses.  We have learned from others that expressing our feelings and why we feel that way to the other person is the first step.  We will want to use "I" messages, no matter what age they are.  None of us want to hear someone blame us for something or tell us don't do this or that.  It does not matter if we are a youngster or an adult.  What touches us is when we know how our action affected the feelings of another person. Recognizing those feelings is practicing empathy.

So if I am a child I may say, " I feel angry when you kick my blocks down", and if we are talking to our parents we want to say, "I feel frustrated (angry, disappointed or whatever the feeling is) when I do not get to have a play date."  Then the conversation begins with more control and less emotions of the moment. 

When parents set the example by doing the same in return to their children, it models to the child anger management.  None of us want to or set out to hurt each other. Learning to calm ourselves down before we make a choice that we regret later is one of the most important self defense we will ever practice.

I have heard of therapist and psychologist suggest to individuals that it is a good idea if you are angry to go and take it out on your pillow.  One person in fact bought a soft object from me that was made for swinging to be used by her client to hit objects in her room - just to get the anger out.  So what do you think about this?  I believe that if we take to hitting things when we are angry that we are practicing what we would really like to do.  In fact we may one day when we are really angry not be able to control ourselves and actually do what we have practiced for all of those years, except this time it may be a real person.

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The other day when I was teaching I mentioned to the students that anger management may very well be one of the most important self defenses that we could ever learn.  Think about it for a minute.  Most of us will never be kicked or punched in a violent attack that takes place in the street.  But everyone of us will be angry about something at some point and depending on if we know how to calm down and think about the choices we have, may decide how much difficulty we make for ourselves.

Here are 4 ways that we can practice calming down.

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Everyone gets angry or sometimes has anger lingering in them.  For a young person it may be having a toy taken away from them by another child.  It may be not getting their way or what they want at that very moment.  As we get older though we may be angered because of being lied too or we may be frustrated, feeling guilty or it may be due to a fear that we have.

I will tell you my own example.

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