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Self control: using manners

Joe Van Deuren — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 21:44:36 +0000

For us adults it may seem to be a silly subject to bring up about using manners requiring the use of self control. I have found though that listening very deeply is very hard to do. What I mean by that is that as our child, spouse, workmate or someone trying to help us in the store is trying to tell us something, that many times we are thinking about the point we want to make or what we want to say - while they are talking. This may lead right into interrupting them or finishing their sentence - so we can get our thoughts in to the conversation. Now while we correct our children for interrupting us while we are on the phone or speaking to another adult, they are watching us do the same to others. Oh how funny it is that the things that bother us about our children the most are the very habits and attitudes that we see in ourselves.

Self control: yields consequences

Joe Van Deuren — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 13:35:22 +0000

Every decision or choice we make results in a consequence. Now that can be a good or a bad consequence. If our choice results in a good consequence we get rewards, and if our choice that we make results in a bad consequence then the results can vary. It may be a punishment, or a bad feeling within ourselves or a loss of a privilege. Just to take the time to examine the possible results will help us many times to make a decision that we will be pleased with in the long run.

Self Control: making choices

Joe Van Deuren — Tue, 02 Feb 2010 15:22:16 +0000

One of the most common reasons parents bring their children to a martial arts school is to teach them about impulse control. Doing the first thing that pops into our head without thinking through all of the possible solutions can end up in results that are less than what we hoped for. So we are going to spend some time this month on the subject of self control.

Self Control: Definition

Joe Van Deuren — Mon, 01 Feb 2010 18:44:53 +0000

Each month we define and discuss a word of character development with all of our students. This month the word is Self Control. It will be defined this way.

Young students: Self Control means: "I stop and think before I act!"

Older students: Self Control means: Slowing down and thinking through choices before acting upon them.

Emapthy: expressing concern

Joe Van Deuren — Sun, 31 Jan 2010 03:24:00 +0000

Beyond listening and being sure that what we heard is what the other person meant by paraphrasing, the next step in empathy is to show concern. Showing or expressing our concern is a very visible way of showing that we care about the other person and their feelings.

We can do this by expressing our concern with words and offering to take action if they would like us to do so. We may say to a person who is sick - “I am sorry that you do not feel well. Is there anything I can do to help you feel better?” Our children can learn about expressing concern by practicing this and role playing it with their parents.

Empathy: Understanding what is said

Joe Van Deuren — Fri, 29 Jan 2010 15:21:31 +0000

It is one thing to feel compassion for another person or situation and quite another to be demonstrate empathy. I think we all can agree that we like to be listened to when we are speaking and even more important to be heard. Most of the time we are not looking for someone to solve the problem for us - we want to know that someone understands and more important that they care.

Empathy: two people, two reactions

Joe Van Deuren — Thu, 28 Jan 2010 13:00:00 +0000

We tell a joke or say something that is funny. One person laughs - another person does not. We serve squash at dinner, one person likes it - another person does not. We are at the ocean and we playfully splash water on our friends, one person laughs - the other person gets mad.

What happened here? Two people can feel differently about the same situation. In fact what may be amusing to me on one day may aggravate me on another. No matter the situation we must consider the personality and mood of a person when we are using our empathy.

Empathy: our actions affect other people

Joe Van Deuren — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 13:00:00 +0000

Can you make someone else smile, feel good, sad, angry, frustrated? Most of us know that we have that power just by what we say or do. In fact it is by our choice of words or actions that others many time are affected and can have very strong emotional reactions.

One action like a smile or hug may make someone happy, another action like leaving someone out may make them sad. Now it is not always possible to make others happy with our actions, nor should we, but we should be aware of and in fact we may want to predict the affect on others prior to taking a certain course of action or making certain statements.

Empathy: Communicating feelings

Joe Van Deuren — Thu, 21 Jan 2010 13:00:48 +0000

One of the hardest things for all of us is communicating our feelings without blaming the other party for “making” us feel a certain way. Yet this is one of the most important parts of empathy. As someone trying to practice empathy we are not just going to let others walk all over us. We should not give up our own power and feelings just to make someone else feel good. That is not a win - win.

Empathy: predicting feelings

Joe Van Deuren — Sat, 16 Jan 2010 20:24:28 +0000

While it is important to figure out by looking at someone or a situation what someone is feeling, it is just as important to predict how someone may feel if you speak or if you act in a certain way. When we are able to predict how someone may feel given a set of circumstances, we can gauge how and what we may say or do.

This is an important social skill that we can teach our children by playing a game with them or by just simple conversation.